03/3/14

Living with Chinese in-laws…or not?

I’ve been now living with my Chinese in-laws for a year and reading Jocelyn’s recent blog post inspired me to write more what it is like to live with your Chinese husband’s parents. Jocelyn writes that she is happy in staying in the family house and the village that surrounds it, but honestly speaking I wouldn’t be able to do that my self.

Of course there are many good reasons for all to live together. You don’t have to pay rent for example that can be very expensive especially if you live in the center of a big city like Guangzhou. Moving to the city would make my husband’s daily commute much much shorter, but it would also mean paying even 3000RMB per month for rent.

It is also a luxury to have my mother-in-law to cook for us day in day out. She makes simple Cantonese dishes which I mostly like and not having to cook also means you don’t have to do grocery shopping either. As I don’t know how to cook Chinese food, I help out with washing the dishes.

Living together with Alan’s parents gives us a sense of safety as we don’t have to worry about not having enough food to live and eat. But on the other hand it makes us feel too safe and living with parents can make you fall back into being a kid again.

So what are the reasons that we are now renovating the old family house for us and wanting a place for just us two?

First of all we want to be grownups and take care of our selves in a way we think is good for us. Having Alan’s mother to peek into our room everyday looking for shirts and socks to wash isn’t good for us, because we should be the ones taking care of that. We should be aware of the costs for eating out versus cooking yourself. Having parents in the same house makes us too carefree and doesn’t allow us to be independent.

Secondly me  and my husband disagree with his parents in many cases. For example the parents think that eating out and going to movies is too expensive, but me and Alan need these date nights to keep our selves happy. Because we live far away from the city center, we also often see our friends in one of the restaurants around Guangzhou.

Thirdly we want a place where our words is the final word. Of course living in the old family house means that the parents live just a few steps away and own the house, but we can still decorate and furnish it the way we like. We can stay up late watching a movie and sleep in on weekends without having the parents blame us on having unhealthy living habits.

As an introvert Finn I also need that mental space for my self to be truly happy. I don’t think it’s very realistic to think I would change into someone who would love to have company all the time, especially company who tells you how to live your life.

Living with the in-laws have been extremely valuable time for me. I have got to known them so much better, including my husband, that wouldn’t have been possible otherwise. I’m very grateful of all their help and support as well.

But this Spring it’s time for us to start our independent life. It will be very exciting and new for all of us, but me and Alan believe it’s the right decision to make.

02/17/14

Getting Married In China: Wedding Ceremony

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On February 14th 2014 came the most important day of my life so far, me and my Chinese fiancé got legally married. Alan has been away for business for five days and I was worried if his flight would be on time on Valentine’s Day. I had all these terrible scenarios on my mind of what could go wrong. But you know what? Everything went so perfectly that it’s hard to believe!

My fiancé Alan was the first to arrive at the Guangzhou Foreign Marriage Registration Office and I arrived by taxi just a few minutes later. After that Alan’s parents, sister and brother-in-law arrived as well.

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I will write more about the paperwork side of things on a separate blog post, but in short, it was very easy to get our marriage certificates. You would just get your number and let the staff point you to the right directions for filling out forms, paying, taking photos and for the official ceremony.

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After filling our forms we had about fifteen minutes to take some photos at the decorative hallway. As this is an office that only deals with foreigners marriages, I think they want to make a good impression on us on how smoothly things go and Chinese elements were to been seen everywhere.

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Getting married in this special office was very nice for two other things as well. First of all there was no rush even though it was Valentine’s Day. They did say it was their busiest day of the year, but still the staff had time for us to have a special ceremony, something that Chinese-Chinese couples don’t get. Secondly the staff took many pictures of us and in the end we could buy a cute wedding album with nine photos. The album also has pockets for our marriage certificates (the red booklets) as well.

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Above Alan is demonstrating how there’s no change for me to run now! (Or was that to show how he can’t lift me up?! Which he actually can. )

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After some more cute photos, it was our turn to start the official ceremony. Us and our family members were asked to the ceremony room where we started taking a lot of photos according to the staff member who guided us for different poses.

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I had no idea that the wedding ceremony would be this interesting as I thought it would be more like a “sign the papers and get the booklets”. It was a very nice surprise to see that us Foreign-Chinese couples got some special treatment and attention. After all, at least for me this was the actual wedding day which will later be celebrated on anniversaries. For Chinese it might be just getting the paperwork done and that’s it, the wedding reception is much more important for them.

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After posing for photos the marriage officiant came in and said a few words that I really don’t remember.

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Then we had to read our “vows” from the forms we had already filled and that were printed out. As I had filled mine in Chinese, I also had to read my vow in Chinese! I was super nervous but my dear Alan read quietly along me so I could pronounce all the words. It was the first reading aloud I’ve ever done, but luckily there is no recording of that!

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The vows included things like we vouch that we aren’t relatives by blood, that we are getting married by our own will and that we are clear of each others health situation. After reading we both signed the paper to make it legal.

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Then we exchanged the same rings we bought when we got engaged. We took the rings of at the beginning of the ceremony and now it was time to put them back on our fingers.

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In the photo below you can see as both very touched to receive our official marriage certificates. In that moment it really felt real that we are now husband and wife.

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We of course also had to take a photo with our new red booklets! Alan was surprised that we don’t have marriage certificate in Finland that look like passports, according to my knowledge it’s just a document in black and white. But in China you get these red certificates that includes a photo of you two and your information.

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A kiss to seal the marriage!

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Finally was my time to surprise Alan and we hopped into a taxi without him knowing our destination. He was super surprised to see that we get off at the Westin Pazhou Hotel! It was time to celebrate with excellent food, five-star service, Finnish sauna, swimming and luxurious room.

Even though we are now legally married, there is still a lot to write about getting married in China! Future posts will include the paperwork to be done in China, changes in addressing family members and planning the Finnish-Chinese wedding reception.

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02/11/14

New passport, new bank account?

bankWhile in Finland this January I applied for a new passport as the old one was expiring later this year. I had no idea how getting a new passport could also affect my banking back in Guangzhou. In Finland the passport number changes every time you get a new passport. And in China your passport number becomes your identity number that is needed in many official documents and papers.

So yesterday I went to the ICBC, a bank where I’ve been a customer for four years now. Visiting the bank is never a quick trip and this time I had to wait hour and a half before it was my turn. When I handed in my papers and documents for changing euros to renminbi, I also mentioned that I have a new passport now. He started going over their computer system and seemed a bit puzzled. He called over his supervisor as well and they asked me if I happened to have my old passport with me as well. Luckily I did.

They had no idea how they could be certain that I had changed my passport legally, which is a bit strange to me as changing a passport is something everyone has to do. They demanded me to get a document from my embassy to prove that I had gotten a new passport. I don’t even know if such a document exists!

In the end they changed my euros to renminbi by using my old expired passport! Next time they told me to get the document from my embassy, but I told them it would be much easier to just open a new bank account. And that’s what I have to do as soon as I have the time to waste a few hours at the bank again.

I can still access my online bank and withdraw money, but if someone sends me euros, there’s no way I can get them changed to renminbi! It seems that I just have to get a new bank account every five years when I get a new passport. Have any of you experienced this dilemma?

I can only imagine how hard it would be if I decided to follow the Finnish custom to change my last name when married. But I don’t have the patience to go over that paperwork so I’m happy to continue using my rare last name.

I just hope there isn’t any other surprises around the corner for me and my new passport number.

photo: Zhejiang News

01/28/14

Getting married in China: Choosing the date

Choosing the date for your wedding is important in both Finnish and Chinese culture. In Finland we usually choose a Saturday during the three Summer months June, July and August. The weather should be nice and guests are usually free on a weekend. The date might also have a special meaning to the couple.

It’s a lot more complicated in China. Of course you want to have your guests available on that date or perhaps choose an anniversary date for your wedding. Dates like 8th of August are also popular as number eight is a lucky number in China. There were lots of couples getting married back in 8.8.2008.

Then you have to check the lunar calendar that states which things or life events can be organized on a certain date. It also states which things you should avoid on that date. Sometimes it can be very hard to find an auspicious date for your wedding that fits your other needs as well.

So how did we decide our wedding date or should I say wedding dates?

Valentine's Day Chinese Calendar

First of all we are going to get our marriage certificates on Valentine’s Day. I think it’s a romantic day and perfect for getting married. It’s also easy for my groom to remember later on! Luckily it’s also an auspicious date to get married as you can see from the lunar calendar above. Under 宜 (suitable, appropriate) there is a word 嫁娶 which means to marry.

WeddingDay Chinese Calendar

Then comes our wedding reception a few months later on 2nd May. Why to choose this date? We wanted to wait for my friend Linda to get back to China, but we wanted to arrange the wedding before the hottest Summer months. Luckily most of my family can also be there for us and it happened to be during a sale period at Finnair so they got nice discount tickets.

Unfortunately according to the Chinese lunar calendar, you absolutely should avoid (忌) getting married on that day. Because for Chinese the wedding reception is more important than getting the legal papers, my fiancé’s parents aren’t really happy that we chose an inauspicious date for our big day.

We, or should I say I, have three months to plan the wedding. This will be our only wedding, we don’t plan to have any second reception in Finland as most of my family can arrive to Guangzhou in May. I want to include both Chinese and Finnish elements to the wedding, but stay true to our vision of the day.

More wedding posts will surely be on its way during these months!

01/25/14

Getting married in China: The paperwork in Finland

chinese marriage certificateOur quest for Chinese marriage certificates

Me and my Chinese fiance are getting married in China this Spring. We will get out marriage certificates on Valentine’s Day (if everything goes as planned) and have a Wedding party in the beginning of May. Getting married abroad to a foreigner means there is paperwork to be done. I have now luckily finished the first step and got my papers in order here in Finland.

The first thing was to get a Certificate of capacity under Finnish law to contract marriage before a foreign authority. It takes a week to get this documents which is in Finnish, Swedish, English and German. You get this document from the Local Register Office and with 11 euros they will notarize it as well.

Next seal has to come from the Ministry for Foreign Affairs of Finland which will certify the Local Register Office’s signature and seal. As I was running out of time, my plane leaving next Tuesday I decided to go to Helsinki my self to get the seals from both the ministry and the Chinese Embassy.

I took a 5.35am bus to Helsinki from my hometown and arrived early to get some breakfast and tea before taking a tram to the ministry. I was the second in line and got my document legalized in ten minutes.

Next I took the tram back to the city center and changed to a metro to Kulosaari. It was easy to find the Chinese Embassy with Google Maps downloaded the day before to my iPhone. As I have always gotten my visas through an agency, this was the first time I visited the embassy my self. Nothing special really, but it was nice to see other Finns going to China and even hear some of their stories.

It wasn’t possible to get the final seal to my document right away, instead I had to wait until the next morning. When I went back I noticed that they had written the wrong date on the paper and the legalization wasn’t done when I arrived. Luckily I got it after waiting for half and hour or so. The man behind the glass even congratulated me for getting married!

Getting the paperwork done in Finland was quite easy and straightforward:

  1. Certificate from the Local Register Office with a notarization signature and seal (11 euros)
  2. Legalization signature and seal from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs (20 euros)
  3. Legalization signature and seal from the Chinese Embassy (43 euros for next day rush service)

It’s always important to check your own embassy, consulate or other office what kind of paperwork you need to get married abroad. Also remember to check the “marriage office” in China where you plan to get your marriage certificates as well. The correct paperwork always depends on your own nationality and the city you will get married in.

The next step for us is to get our documents and papers to the marriage office few days before The Day. Then on Valentine’s Day I will go there first to get our waiting number and my fiance will hopefully arrive on time from his business trip.

I have already planned a surprise for my fiance on Valentine’s Day, but our Wedding in May still needs a lot planning and mediating with the parents before everything is perfect.

I would love to write more about the Wedding planning, would you be interested in reading about it?