On Dating Chinese Men

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Me and my boyfriend in our matching t-shirts

Last month Jocelyn over at Speaking of China wrote On Dating Chinese Men and asked us fellow bloggers to do the same. Her goal is to gather us mus reliable information about dating Chinese men as possible, so when others are searching it online they will get a better picture what is it really like to date a Chinese guy.

I dated a Chinese guy back in Finland already and have been living  in China for three years now. I dated one Chinese guy for two years, but it wasn’t meant to be. Right now (October 2013) I’m living together with my Cantonese boyfriend and his parents. We are in the process of renovating the old family house for us.

The following tips are based on my own or my friends’ experiences.

Date to marry

Goal for a Chinese person to date is to get married and have a family. Of course there are exceptions to this rule, but most of the Chinese men out there date to marry They might start talking about it very early in the relationship in order to know if you have the same ideas about dating as he does.

Usually if you meet the parents it is a sign of a serious relationship, probably this guy wants to marry you if things continue going well with you.

Parents have the final say

Wether your Chinese boyfriend will continue to be with you or will marry you depends on his parents. If parents say no, then it usually is the end of the relationship sooner or later. You two might be able to work it out with the parents when they get to know you better, but parental acceptance is important even when both are Chinese.

If you two are 25 or older and the parents agree you being together, they will start asking when you two get married. When you get married they will start waiting for a grandson.

Taking care of you

Chinese guys are generally good at taking care of you, or at least a good Chinese man is. He might cook for you, or make sure you always have water to drink. Or he might go shopping with you and insists paying for everything. Chinese man is expected to and wants to take care of his loved one, to be the breadwinner of the family. It might be hard for him if his girlfriend earns more than him.

Language difficulties

Even if you speak fluent Chinese or he speaks fluent English you still might have language difficulties in your relationship. Perhaps his native language is a dialect of Chinese and you can’t understand a word they are saying in the family dinner table?

Or perhaps your Chinese is as terrible as his English but you want to make it work anyway? Be ready for lot of work and mutual understanding and patience to have a successful relationship. If necessary learn the local dialect in order to communicate with his family and relatives.

The good and the bad

I’ve got my heart-broken by a Chinese guy, I’ve already felt the happiest with a Chinese guy. Dating someone outside your culture, especially from such a different culture as Chinese culture is, it isn’t easy. There will be hardships, misunderstandings and compromises has to be made, more than if you dated and married  someone from your own country.

But at the same time you get a man who wants to take care of his family, is willing to work hard for everyone’s happiness and loves kids. Someone who knows why he is dating you and will let you know it too. Someone who haven’t even heard about commitment phobia.

So should you date a Chinese guy? Why not! If you meet a great Chinese guy then go for it, don’t let the stereotypes or someone’s bad experiences hold you back.

Are you dating a Chinese man at the moment? Or dated one but it ended? I would love to hear about your experiences on dating Chinese men!

For more blog posts on the topic, check out Dating Chinese Men and Chinese Family life.

  • Ellen

    Hi Sara,

    I’m so happy you posted this. I am also following Jocelyn and I think she asked for such posts, because Internet is congested with awful stories about dating Chinese men… which are based on stories taken place in Shanghai or Beijing and hence are rarely veracious. However, these two metropolitans and people in there, just like with any other big city, do not (!!!) represent a “typical Chinese”, “typical dating manners” or any other aspect of life. People often forget that China is HUGE and DIVERSE. There are huge differences in China itself.

    I’m dating a classical Guangzhounese. This relationship certainly is a fairytale, similar to your relationship: he takes care of me in ALL possible and impossible ways, cooks for me, makes a cup of tea (even when I don’t need it), brings me an extra pillow even from another part of town, stays up late with me when I need to study. When I started dating him, I freaked out. I thought he’s insane :P Later I got used to it. But not completely. After a while, I raised a question: if you cook and do the shopping and take care of me, then what’s MY role in this relationship?? Be the princess on the pea? We made a compromise: kitchen is now my sacred area! :)

    However, I would like to stress now: not all Chinese men are very caring like this (!!). We happened to visit one of his best friends, who’s from the North of China. When she saw us together, she was shocked and asked my BF, “Why are you like a puppy around your girlfriend??” Then she gave us insight into her relationship. That relationship resembled me rather a Western relationship: both partners are ambitious, independent and in case of conflicts wins that one who has better arguments. There’s no such thing like the man forgets himself, leaves his tasks in the name of his beloved one.

    In short, China is diverse and so is dating behaviour in China. The attitude of a partner in the relationship can be “independent” and “egoistic”, but most probably it will be “I will do anything to make my girlfriends/wife happy”.

    As for language differences, then in our case yes, sometimes we can’t find the right word to express a thought, but since we can “read” each other’s mind, then that’s not a big obstacle.

    Finally, as for South Chinese men, then they take things seriously. Like you, Sara, said, Chinese men “date to marry”. They don’t have “commitment phobia”. Neither have they problems with ‘dating techniques’ (do I have to bring flowers? Do I play a tough guy or a soft guy? What shall I say? What.. How…). That’s because their (Chinese guys) prime goal is to take care of a woman and not to play intriguing games like most of men in the West do.

    That’s my experience. Sorry for being wordy.

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    Sara Jaaksola Reply:

    Thank you so much on sharing your experiences and wisdom Ellen! I’m so glad that through these comments from you and others we can all learn a lot about dating culture in China.

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    Alysa Reply:

    Aww your relationship sounds like almost every girl’s dream :) I’ve met a few sweet Chinese guys, but I feel a bit too independent and like our cultures are too different to make anything work…

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  • FrankL 世方

    Hi Sara, sorry to hear things didn’t work out with your boyfriend. Break-ups are never easy. 保重。

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    Sara Jaaksola Reply:

    Thank you Frank. Things didn’t go down easy, but I wrote about it only after having processed it myself. I’m doing very well now.

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  • Mira

    Honestly in traditional Chinese culture, women have to do every house work(also in other Asian cultures). And hence Chinese men tend to let their wives to cook for them all the time. I think you have to be very lucky to find a boyfriend that would like to share the house work. And even if they do, it’s not guarantee that they will do the same after marriage. And many Chinese guy don’t know how to cook or they don’t do cooking. At least my Dad and most of my guy friends don’t cook. So I always feel jealous about friends whoes dad actually cook better then their mums! :P

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    Derek WONG Reply:

    It’s weird to hear you get that conclusion.For me,I’m coming from the mid of China.Most of the guys I know can cook,but most girls I know can’t cook.And the young males in China nowadays tend to be more caring and responsible.Many men would like to share the housework now even they are the only bread winner in the family.Of course,most of the couples both have a job.Women in China don’t have to depend on their husbands like ever,so when it comes to the decision in the family,the husbands are willing to listen to their wives.We always joke with our friends,because their wives are the bosses in their family,lol.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/jocelyn.eikenburg Jocelyn Eikenburg

    Thanks for posting this — despite your breakup! I know it must still be painful for you. But for you to still come forth with such a supportive post…that’s amazing. So thank you, Sara.

    [Reply]

    Sara Jaaksola Reply:

    No need to thank you Jocelyn, I’m happy to help the community!

    I’ll also let you (and others) in a secret, although I only recently wrote about my break up, it actually happened many months ago. Only after I processed it myself was I able to write about it.

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  • Jenna Cody

    This is an interesting post, but I have to say that, in terms of “typical” Chinese men who would fall into all of these categories (I realize there are exceptions), there are plenty of things in here that would make it impossible for me to date a typical Chinese guy (an exception – sure! And I know plenty of exceptions. I’m married, though, so it doesn’t matter).

    I wouldn’t be OK with parents having the final say – especially if they accepted me but expected marriage on their timeline, and then expected a grandson (the “son” part is so sexist – I realize it’s cultural, but it’s also sexist). I don’t have babies on other’s timelines, and at the command of others. In fact, I don’t want children at all – I know a few Taiwanese (not Chinese but bear with me) men who also don’t want kids, but this would probably be a dealbreaker with most.

    I wouldn’t be OK with a boyfriend or husband who felt it was his right or duty to be the breadwinner. I won’t curtail what I earn, and I am quite happy to be the breadwinner (if I’m not, that’s OK too) – the issue would be the idea that man = moneymaker, woman = cared for by the man, regardless of who earns more. I don’t like that paradigm and could never accept it. A man who is uncomfortable with his wife earning more than he does isn’t the man for me (my husband is fine with it, by the way).

    Although this is changing, I’m also not OK with being the one mainly responsible for housework and the gruntwork of child-rearing. Still an issue in much of China and Taiwan even as urban China and Taiwan change.

    So, while this is a really interesting post…it sort of outlines why a Chinese guy who does adhere to all of these traits (I am aware, again, that plenty don’t) isn’t the guy for me.

    [Reply]

    Rosie Reply:

    I have to disagree with some of this, particularly in the case of child-rearing and housework. I think it’s unfair to paint Chinese men as unwilling to do these duties. That’s actually not what I’ve witnessed having lived in China and being married to a Chinese man for several years. I actually find that Chinese men are just as helpful, if not more so, then American husbands. Chinese women/mothers also receive a lot of support from parents and in-laws when raising their child.

    As far as the desire for a son, this is common in many cultures. Even in most Western ones, I dare say many men hope they can have a son (although many don’t voice this feeling). I have struggled with this attitude, but when it comes down to it and a baby finally arrives, I think everyone is quite happy regardless of the sex.

    And I don’t think it’s unnatural for a man to want to earn more money or not feel like he has to be supported by his wife. I think this is magnified in China due to the whole concept of “losing face.” In any case, I do earn quite a bit more than my Chinese husband and while I know he wishes he could earn more, this isn’t an issue because we don’t make it one.

    Honestly, I think the points Sara brings up are true but they are generalizations. It’s good to know they might be issues you’ll face if you date a Chinese man, but you need to get to know the individual

    [Reply]

    Sara Jaaksola Reply:

    Thank you for your excellent comment Rosie! You’re right, the points I brought up are of course generalizations, if I couldn’t generalize a little, then writing this post would be impossible. No matter in which culture, person is still an individual and might or might not be similar with the common generalizations about that culture.

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    Kai Reply:

    As a chinese guy I also want to say that according to some survey we have 180 million single guys in china…so it won’t be a surprise that we still have many many “exceptions” :D.

    About “Parents have the final say”, I think for many chinese guys, their parents ideas are quite important but they don’t actually have the “final say”, especially for people living in big cities like Guangzhou, Beijing, Shanghai etc.. If the man is determine to marry a foreign woman, he will try every means to persuade his parents.

    Actually, what most chinese parents worrying about is the distance, if the couple decide to live in china (or even better, the same city as the chinese man’s parents) after they got married, a foreign daugther in law won’t be a problem at all to most of the parents. After all, the chinese people are more family oriented.

    As I know, most parents don’t really care about the sex of their grandchildren nowadays, except for some really TRADITIONAL familie.

    [Reply]

    Sara Jaaksola Reply:

    Thank you for your comment Jenna! Not all the Chinese guys are like this, but many are. It’s also good to know if their style of dating/relationship isn’t for you. There can be many cultural clashed between a traditional Chinese man and a modern independent Western woman.

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  • Adesia

    i have dated Chinese men before I think they must have been the exceptions, because up until the one i’m dating currently they didn’t really act too much like that. This one is different we havent even been dating that long and already has invited himself to meet my family next month, planned vacation the following month. And for my birthday has bought me a matching watch to his.

    Hummm maybe the serious man you speak of? Its a nice change , perhaps that is the bonus to dating someone 5 years older to you.. I guess we will see.

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    Sara Jaaksola Reply:

    It really sounds like this man likes you a lot! Planning to spend time with you and giving gifts are good signs. Based on my experience a Chinese guy can get serios quickly if he has decided on a girl already, he will let you know that he wants to be with you.

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  • einnius

    where r u

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  • Alysa

    I have lived in Guangzhou for 13 years, and Chinese guys don’t seem interested in me at all. I assumed they don’t like American girls or I was just ugly? However a few of them overcame their shyness cause I’ve had a few asking for my number lately. It’s too bad the ones who aren’t shy are shorter than me! And the foreigner guys aren’t interested either, probably because getting a Chinese girl is so much easier. Do I have to move back to the US to date?? ;P

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    Someone Reply:

    It’s not you. It’s a different dating environment and culture. You’re probably sending the wrong signals and probably aren’t picking up on his. Learn from the locals how interactions between the sexes should go. Don’t go into another country with an idea of cultural or romantic imperialism (foreign men are most guilty of this) expecting everyone to behave as you expect, speak your language, and romance you in the way in which you are accustomed.

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    Sara Jaaksola Reply:

    Hi Alysa, I would say that shyness is one of the biggest reasons here. A Western girl might have to take the first step herself in order to get to know guys. I bet those Chinese guys were thinking the same thing, that you aren’t into them.

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    Single man Reply:

    As a Chinese guy .Here I want to clarify two issues,one most of chinese youth cant speack english ,maybe they can write ,read and sing some songs .Another reason is the shyness
    If you watch and observe the ppl aroun u in the metro ,u will get it .
    Basically ,those guys who r dealing with foreigners r more positive …

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    showlex Reply:

    Alysa, if you like a Chinese guy, you can go talk to him. He’ll be happy to chat with you, trust me. Some guys are shy and don’t tend to go to foreign girls and ask for their number. But it doesn’t mean that they are not attracted to you.

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    Single man Reply:

    Exactlly .it is a good idea.

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    Single man Reply:

    r u in china now ? I m ready to date u .if u want .

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  • Pingback: 2013 Blogs by Western Women Who Love Chinese Men | Speaking of China

  • http://www.facebook.com/yangxiao.ou.7 Yangxiao Ou

    You built this website by yourself? I really have to say it is beautiful, and your articles, too.

    [Reply]

    Sara Jaaksola Reply:

    Thank you so much for your nice comment! The theme of this blog is a free theme I downloaded, nice to hear you like it.

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  • Wang

    You really know a lot about China and Chinese people. It’s nice reading your posts.

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  • Rubi

    so happy you posted this!! I’m dating a Chinese guy myself so I’ve been curious on his culture on dating and all that. Sure enough a week or two into dating he asked me to marry him. Being an American I was super shocked……. but he was accepting when I told him that American’s don’t marry that quick and that he’ll wait when I’m ready. Despite that, I’ve met his parents and he’s met mine and he gives me and my family gifts, we plan big time for the times he comes to America which is rare, and he’s always complimenting me and never lets me forget how much he loves me.
    But the relationship has been hard…… he lives in China and only comes to America once or twice a year and he BARELY speaks English. I’m working on my Chinese and it’s decent. Not perfect but we can talk to each other versus the beginning when I didn’t know squat on Chinese.
    He’s also very open minded about work too….. he says I can work and everything and doesn’t mind me getting paid more than him but the one thing that seems to bother him is weight!!!! He thinks that the girl should weigh less than the guy but being a curvy toned Mexican doesn’t help that much….. I’m not overweight, I just got the stuff if you know what I mean.
    Also, is age difference an issue when dating??? I’m 18 and he’s 21 and I know in my culture that’s a big shocker but is that in China??

    [Reply]

    Sara Jaaksola Reply:

    Thanks for leaving your comment Rubi! I really don’t know whats the thing with Chinese guys and the weight issue. I’ve heard the same story many times, even my own boyfriend have made the mistake of discussing weight with me!

    I would just tell him once that weight is not a polite topic in the west and no girlfriend would tolerate her boyfriend commenting her weight. Let him know that things are different in your culture and give him the chance to be open minded. If he continues to bring up the weight, then it can be a problem.

    I think 18 and 21 isn’t a big age difference, but of course you both are still very young. In China you have the pressure to finish your degree first and think about marriage only after graduation. So I think there’s no hurry for you two. By asking you to marry him he perhaps wanted to see if you are being serious with him, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to get married right now.

    So just enjoy your relationship with him and see how it goes :) I hope the best for you two!

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  • Solaris

    I would rather date a Chinese man that already lives in America preferably in Florida but have no idea how to find one especially a marrying kind

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  • joanna

    my boyfriend’s chinese and so far we are really happy being together. i am a filipina and i’m so lucky that his family isn’t the traditional type. and of course, i did my part in making sure that i make efforts in really getting to know his family and understand his responsibility as a child. i guess, it is a case to case basis, and a matter of compromising with each other and making the communication lines always open for each other. we have plans of getting married in 2015, and hopefully will have a family of our own. i’m a proud filipina girlfriend of a chinese guy. :)

    [Reply]

    Sara Jaaksola Reply:

    Hi Joanna! Gongratulations of your marriage plans for 2015! I agree that every relationship is different, it’s hard to generalize anything when the topic is about love. I wish you and your bf all the best!

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  • Knaannii

    Hi!
    I just found this blog and I’m lovin it!
    Right now I’m dating a Chinese guy.. I think, I actually went to google on how to date a Chinese guy because we fight a lot and today he told me: “respect my culture” because I told him I would like him to send me random msgs if he was thinking about me and he told me he can’t because his roommates are always readying everything (all of them are girls and Chinese!), so I was like I DON’T CARE and he was like “I do, so please respect my culture”.. so im here trying to find and answer to this (if somebody knows please explain it to me :c) and at least reading your blog is helping me. Thanks! And hugs!

    [Reply]

    Sara Jaaksola Reply:

    Nice to have you over Knaannii and so great to hear you’ve found my blog helpful :)

    I can understand where you both come from, but of course in a relationship you need compromises on both ends. Have you explained to your bf how happy those messages would make you feel?

    I’m also wondering if the lack of messages is really because of the roommates or if your bf just doesn’t like sending them. But he still can’t use the “respect my culture” card everytime you have an argument. He needs to respect your wishes as well.

    Could there be another way for him to show he cares for you that both of you would like? Are you feeling insecure in the relationship or why do you think you miss the messages?

    If you want to, I would also like to know if you too live close to each other or are in a long distance relationship.

    I hope to hear from you again soon!

    [Reply]

  • Emi

    Hi Sara,

    I want to ask you a lot of stuff because we, my chinese boyfriend and I (Italian born in Venezuela girl) wants to get marry. He’s such a nice, kind and loving guy, with all the good things a chinese man has in his education (cero phobia to work or getting marry, saying their feelings, or having kids).The problem is that my family won’t alow it, they don’t want me to marry a chinese person because they think chinese are bad persons and all of the bad things…

    Honestly, after giving it much thought we still want to get marry, and i’m her girlfriend without my family knows about it…But Venezuela has such an economic problem, everything is bad the president is crazy, 1 $ is at 60 BS (Vzla money) so the cost of a bunch of things got higher like materials to make houses (making to buy one unnaffordable for us), cars, and lot of new of crazy laws for renting appartments that doesn’t help us.

    So my boyfriend wants me to go back to china with him, only if in two years the situation doesn’t get better and i don’t have a problem with that because i’m currently learning chinese, and i’m used to chinese coulture and how they are with foreigners but I wanted to ask you if living in china is good? I heard a lot of the pullution problems and that you may get sick or have cancer, and if foreigners can find a job teaching english or spanish?

    I mean can I live there and have a job and a family? is it safe?
    I will graduate from university this year, if everything gets better here in Venezuela maybe we can buy a house or rent an appartment, but i just wanted to ask you just in case ;)

    Thanks, Sara

    [Reply]

    Sara Jaaksola Reply:

    Hi Emi!

    Have your family seen your boyfriend or is there any way for them to meet? This could help them to realize your boyfriend is a good person and wants to take care of you.

    Have you been to China before or lived here for a certain period of time? Having a Chinese boyfriend abroad is very different than marrying one and living with him in China. Would you two live on your own or with his family?

    I’ve been living with my boyfriend’s family for almost a year now and I know it isn’t a good solution in the long term for us. Culture is like an onion, you peel the first layer and manage the challenges, but there are always new layers to peel. I don’t want to discourage you, but to share my experience.

    I think China is safe to live and have a family. Of course if you can stay away from the most polluted cities, that would be better for your health.

    If you want to go to China to teach English or Spanish it’s totally doable and even with a good pay. But you have to be careful with the visas. You should have two years of working experience after your graduation to be able to get a visa. Of course there are shortcuts, but be careful. Only work with a Z visa.

    What I would recommend for you and your boyfriend is to try to arrange a meeting with your family, perhaps for a dinner. See if you could let your family see how great your boyfriend is.

    Secondly, you two could try moving to China for a short period first if that’s what you want. You could try it for a year and see if it’s a good fit for you.

    I hope this helps Emi, please feel free to ask more questions.

    [Reply]

    Emi Reply:

    Hi Sara, thanks for answer my message :) it really helps me.

    I think there’s no way, my family doesn’t want to. First I wanted my family to meet him but they refuse, they don’t like chinese people. They want me to marry with an italian guy or a person with the same culture or just don’t get marry at all. I understand their fear because they’ve never been with a chinese person so I know they think that my boyfriend would make me eat ants everyday.

    And I know that some chinese do things like that, but my boyfriend is very normal person :l He likes our culture too.

    I’ve never been to China before, My boyfriend lives here in Venezuela too, he has been living here three years now with an aunt. He has a good job, and he told me that in in two years (if venezuela is ok and the president don’t turn this into a new Cuba because everything in here is like we were in a dictatorship) we can rent an appartment and marry.

    He told me If we go to China because of the problems here we would do the same. His sister is already married and lives with his husbands family and his mother is the only left but he says we won’t live with her because she’s very delicate of health and maybe she won’t be there in two years :(

    Yesterday, when we were talking about it my boyfriend say to me that if venezuela gets very bad, we could live in other latin american country rather than China if I want.

    Mean wile, those two years i’ll be working too and learning chinese, so for the visa i think it will be ok right? I will graduate as a graphic designer, can I still teach english without beign graduated as a techer or something like that?

    Thanks for everything and sorry to bother you with this xD

    [Reply]

    Sara Jaaksola Reply:

    Hi again Emi,

    That really is a tricky situation if your family refuses to meet with him. But I think it’s worth the try to help them see that Chinese people aren’t what they think they are. Perhaps they only dislike Chinese because they haven’t even known anyone Chinese that well?

    Don’t worry too much about the visa right now, you never know if there are new changes before the time comes. Just wanted to let you know, that it’s best to go by the rules and no matter how you work, get the Z visa.

    I guess what you can do now is to learn more about Chinese language and culture, and of course to know your boyfriend better and better :) Show your family you have made up your mind about this and it’s important for you that they are there for you.

    If you two plan to marry in two years, that’s good you have time to figure things out.

    Oh and ask as many questions as you want to. I’m not always sure if I can help, but I will do my best :)

    [Reply]

    Single man Reply:

    I visted many countries ,so far ,I dont think China is suffering pullution like others counries.If you live in Shenzhen, Dalian ,Qingdao or Weihai ,you will find that China is not like what the media said ,It is amazing and unbelieveable .If you go Xin jing ,or Qing hai ,OMG ,that is like paradise .U can google ,it .Tibet is also on the list .
    For you job .here many foreigners can get job easier than natives ,Becasue chinese parents hope is focuing on their kids education more than others .Spanish is not like English .only few of ppl learn it .But China has demand .So if you can speack english very well .You have many options to get job here .
    Dont worry about China environment .You can ask some foreigners who are living China ,how about their feelings ,they will give you their commetns .Facebook ,is not allowed in China ,but still we use it ,you can visit my FB ,zhao guosong ,Shenzhen I will help you to open your eyes .and change your prarents and yours view about China.
    Wish you and your Chinese Boyfriend can overcome it and live your own life .

    [Reply]

  • Nashy

    Hi

    I find your blog a nice read and insightful. Thanks. One year ago I met this really handsome Chinese guy and now we just got married and living with his family in a small south China city. Many things shocked me: I wasn’t going to be serious in the relationship..was like let me try and see kind of relationship! The Chinese guy was sure and serious with what he wanted. I was skeptical because I am black and never heard of Chinese men marrying Black girls. I have seen many Chinese girl marry blacks but not the men! He treated me like a queen, he swept me off my feet! I met his parents and Grandparents and they liked me! My chinese language then was very low and his english not good either. We could use gestures or Pleco to translate or sometimes google! In every date, we had a translator or a phone. In the few months to come, my Chinese improved and could talk to him 2 hrs without searching for my phone or inquiring from someone else. It was very funny!

    Then I told my Mum who said a BIG NO! I then tried to send her pictures but she never opened then. I was expecting the chinese family to say no but shock on me! I called my uncle and told him my situation, he was helpful and gladly fixed it! So we went to Africa to see my family, and they liked him although they couldn’t speak to him directly(I was translating the much I could). He got along with my brother playing football and talking about guns, sometimes they draw pictures use very funny gestures, it was like watching deaf and dumb!

    After a year of dating, we got married(officially so I could come stay with him), came back to live in China and having a wedding next year. Meanwhile as I look for a job, am teaching english, learning how to cook Chinese food, his dad teaches me. Our challenge now is his job, it takes most of his time and clients call him for KTV which he cant say no and am not a fun for KTV! Most of the time I am left with his parents in the house(parents are good, but they care too much! am not used to it). I kinda feel lonely. We spoke about it, I hope it gets better! Chinese guys are different but I must say better than anyone I dated before in terms of commitment, taking care of you and being proud of you! I am leaving a dream!

    [Reply]

    Sara Jaaksola Reply:

    Thank you for sharing your story Nashy! Have you read the blog http://lifebehindthewall.wordpress.com/? I’m sure you will find it inspiring.

    I can actually relate to a lot of what you wrote. My boyfriend also was and still is very sure that he wants to be with me, so sure that it amazes me. Commitment, taking care of you, being proud of you, all things I’ve experienced with my Chinese boyfriend as well.

    It’s interesting to find out that even our culture, yours Nashy and mine, must differ quite a lot too, that the things we observe about Chinese culture are quite similar actually.

    I wish all the best to you and your boyfriend. Hopefully I will see you on my blog again too!

    [Reply]

  • Jasmin

    I’m currently dating a Chinese guy it’s a new relationship we’ve only been dating for 4 months and he is the sweetest, cutest, shyest boyfriend I have ever had. He show’s his affections in cute little shy ways that make me giggle and he loves tickling me. I wish I had a good relationship with his parents I only been to his house once to meet his parents and they didn’t like me that much. His mother didn’t like the idea that I dye my hair radiant red so I dyed my hair a normal brownish color but she also doesn’t like the idea that I’m Hispanic and ouch! that hurts I can’t fix that. My boyfriend doesn’t care he likes me no matter I just wish I could be accepted in his family.

    [Reply]

    Sara Jaaksola Reply:

    Hi Jasmin, thank you for sharing your story. For some Chinese parents it can be hard when their children date outside their own culture, it can be that they are afraid if you are serious with the relationship. Chinese tend to date to marry, but it’s sometimes not that straightforwards with foreign couples. But with any parents, usually the time helps when they get to know you better.

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  • Kate

    I’m 18 and I’ve dated my chinese boyfriend for 3 years now. At first our relationship was really hard, because we was so young and both out parents wanted us to focus in exams ect, but they didn’t object, so once they realised we could balance our relationship and our studies they were fine with it.
    However, I only officially met my boyfriends parent 8 months in, 1. Because I was terrified and 2. Because we didn’t know if we was even serious enough, my parents liked him, and he got in with my dad well, however when I met his parents, I just didn’t feel welcomed or comfortable in any sense, I would sit there nervously and then my boyfriend would get upset because I wasn’t making effort with his family, we had so many arguments and I just couldn’t take his constant bitching and I ended it, not thinking he would be so cut up, he asked for another chance and I gave it to him and he explained that he wanted me and his family to be

    [Reply]

  • Katie

    I’m 18 and I’ve dated my chinese boyfriend for 3 years now. At first our relationship was really hard, because we was so young and both out parents wanted us to focus in exams ect, but they didn’t object, so once they realised we could balance our relationship and our studies they were fine with it.
    However, I only officially met my boyfriends parent 8 months in, 1. Because I was terrified and 2. Because we didn’t know if we was even serious enough, my parents liked him, and he got in with my dad well, however when I met his parents, I just didn’t feel welcomed or comfortable in any sense, I would sit there nervously and then my boyfriend would get upset because I wasn’t making effort with his family, we had so many arguments and I just couldn’t take his constant bitching and I ended it, not thinking he would be so cut up, he asked for another chance and I gave it to him and he explained that he wanted me and his family to be close because they meant so much to him, so I feel if you wanna date an asian you have to understand family importance.
    Also, I found my guy is really sensitive and he always wanted to make me happy showers me in gifts compliments, ect. Hey I’m not containing.
    Also, in the bedroom, he always feels the need to fully satisfy me, then onto him.
    To date any guy you’re in love with is great.

    [Reply]

    Sara Jaaksola Reply:

    Thank you for sharing Katie, I’m so sorry I have completely missed your comment when you posted it! You are right, that family is very important for Chinese, in a totally different way it is for Finnish for example. How are things going now?

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  • Rebecca Kemaya

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    [Reply]

  • S.A

    Hi sara,
    thank you for the great informatin that you share with us.

    [Reply]

    Sara Jaaksola Reply:

    Thank you for reading S.A

    [Reply]

    S.A Reply:

    I am 27 years old. i met a my chinese boyfriend in my country. we spent one month together but now he is in china . he is 34 years of age.during this long distance relationship (3 months), his love to me didnt change. but i am a very sensative girl. i am very emotional but i dont mention and dont complain about being far. i try to be patient because i am in love with him. during the last few weeks he hasnt asked me to have a web chat with him. i am not really sure if he still loves me as before.i have a chinese friend that sais, chinese men are not very emotional and they show their emotions in a diffrent way.also we havent talked about marriage yet. i dont know about his decision.

    [Reply]

    S.A Reply:

    do you think i can ask him about his decision and to see if he wants a serious relationhip????

    [Reply]

    Sara Jaaksola Reply:

    I am so sorry I haven’t seen your comment to this thread. How is the situation at the moment?

    [Reply]

    Sara Jaaksola Reply:

    Dear S.A I would be cautious in your situation as you have only seen this man for one month, that is a very short time to get to know someone. There can be many things you don’t know about him.

    In general in all relationships I think that if a man wants to be with you, he will let you know. If he wants to talk to you, he will find the time to call you.

    You should first get to know him well before starting to talk about being serious or marriage. Be safe.

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  • Lucy

    I am american-latina, i dated my share of asian guys last i dated a korean guy before i met my chinese guy . He broke my heart pretty badly. And i must say my now husband chinese guy is such a wonderful blessings he has very respectful family and he honors my parents. The people are humble and kind. He Is patient and kind and is commited i know noone is perfect but i think people should give chinese guys a chance!

    [Reply]

    Sara Jaaksola Reply:

    I’m so happy to hear you found your Chinese husband Lucy! He sounds like a catch!

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  • 9angel

    I find chinese firend

    [Reply]

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    [Reply]

  • SmartyPantsGirl

    Her view is clearly dating a Chinese Man from and in China. I want to make clear to the readers that a Chinese Man is not the same as an ABC Man (American Born Chinese.) There are still culturally similarities, but she’s living in China dating a Chinese man, not dating an Asian here in America where the western influences will play a much bigger role if she as dating an ABC. Also, beside some cultural differences, there are also religious influences. Say if a Chinese or ABC man is a Christian and is 25 years old and wants to date a woman his parents are not crazy about, he will still marry her solely because this is his life and he is a grown man. So the respect part for the parents is not totally out the window here, but his religion will say he is now a man and will make decisions for himself and be responsible for the consequences versus listening to mommy and daddy. Also,..not ALL CHINESE/ABC men want to date to marry, nor do they serve you hand and foot. They drink, party hard at clubs and many do not want kids nor settle down. Thats my NYC experience with ABC’s. As you all readers should know, there is also the flip side just because that’s reality. And seriously…you don’t want to live near or with your in-laws once married. I am married to an ABC man and I am an ABC girl incase y’all are interested. I know.

    [Reply]

    Sara Jaaksola Reply:

    Good point that what I write about is mostly dating and marrying a Chinese man in China.I did date an ethnic Chinese guy who had a Finnish nationality for a few years, but I mostly write from the mainland China point of view.

    [Reply]

  • Rachel

    I’m currently in a one-year relationship with a Chinese guy. We met here in the US and both of us are pursuing graduate studies in the same department. I have already introduced him to my family (via Skype) and they like him. I haven’t met his parents yet but they know that he’s dating a Filipina. I thought his parents won’t have a hard time accepting me since they know that I’m 50% Chinese but I was wrong.

    Ever since he went home for a vacation, his parents kept on bugging him to break up with me. At first it was because of the language barrier then they brought up other issues like the cultural differences, my being 2 years older than him, etc. It’s so frustrating because they don’t know me yet they are already so much against me. I feel like they just want him to break up with me so he can end up with a Chinese girl. They even said that they don’t need him to be with an outstanding girl as long as they can communicate with her. He told them I’m willing to learn Mandarin but it’s still not enough.

    He said that he wants us to continue being in this relationship and he won’t stop convincing his parents to just let us be together. I also don’t want to give up on us even though my parents advised me to gradually stay away from him and be prepared that we might break up anytime soon.

    Do you guys think that this will work and eventually his parents will approve of me? My mother never had any problems with my father’s family even though she’s not Chinese so our situation frustrates and confuses me so much. I don’t want to end our relationship but at the same time, I feel sorry for him because his parents are putting so much pressure on him. I need some advice. Thank you.

    [Reply]

    Sara Jaaksola Reply:

    Sorry to hear about this problem Rachel. I had a similar situation back in Finland when I was dating a Chinese guy and his parents didn’t accept me. In the end I think they would have grown to accept me with time, but my now ex-boyfriend ended up being a total jerk, so I never found out. So I know where you are coming from when the parent’s don’t accept you just because of your background.

    Luckily I have a much happier story to share with you as well! Jocelyn from http://www.speakingofchina.com is married to a Chinese man, and his family didn’t accept him dating foreigners at first. I remember how she wrote about bringing a photo album of her and her family to her husband’s home, bonding over watching the photos and telling her father-in-law about her relatives.

    What the parents are mostly worried about is how to communicate with you and if you two are dating to get married. So first you can start learning Mandarin or their own dialect, to show them that you really want to become a part of their family. The first time you meet them, you can at least greet them in Chinese. The second thing you and your boyfriend can do is to show that you are together for good. Perhaps he could find a way to get all of you together for dinner. Is there any nice Chinese restaurants in the area you could meet?

    The most important thing now is that your boyfriend will stay on your side, that’s how you hopefully can slowly win his parents over.

    [Reply]

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    [Reply]

  • lucillalin

    Hei, oma parisuhteeni on kulttuurin osalta hiukan erilainen, koska mieheni on Kaakkois-Aasian kiinalaisia ja hänen kulttuurinsa on vuosisatojen brittivaikutteiden takia länsimaalaisempi kuin manner-kiinalaisten. Sellainen asia on tullut mieleen näitä blogeja lukiessa, että oman kokemukseni mukaan suomalainen kulttuuri on joissain asioissa ehkä lähempänä aasialaista kuin joidenkin muiden länsimaiden. Me asumme Englannissa ja olen sitä mieltä, että kiinalainen kulttuuri on minulle jotenkin tutumpi kuin englantilainen- suomalaisetkin kuitenkin ovat enimmäkseen hyvin perhekeskeisiä ja me ulkosuomalaiset usein haluamme vaalia omia perinteitämme, joten suhtaudumme positiivisesti myös muiden perinteisiin. Usein kun puhutaan länsimaisten naisten ja aasialaisten välisistä suhteista tunnutaan oletettavan, että kaikki länsimaiset naiset ovat samanlaisia eivätkä edustakaan omia maitaan ja kulttuureitaan. Kiinalainen puoliso ei siis välttämättä kohtaa itselleen mediasta tuttua villiä ja vapaata länsimaista, vaan eurooppalaisen naisen omine tapoineen ja odotuksineen.

    [Reply]