在深圳旅游

(大家)晚上好!我刚()才跟我朋友从深圳回来了。我们去深圳的目的是参加首饰交易会,是因为我的朋友在芬兰卖银首饰。一般她从芬兰打一个打电话给我通常她从芬兰打一通电话给我),告诉我想买什么,然后我()去买。但是这一次她自己(亲自)来广州买东西。这是她第二次来中国,一年前她在广州留过学一年前她在广州留学过)。那时候我是跟她认识的我是跟她那时候认识的)。在这里留学时她发现东西特别便宜当时在这里留学时她发现这里东西特别便宜),(所以)决定开公司。

我们上个星期五晚上到了深圳,星期六参加了深圳国际黄金珠宝玉石展览会。(这)是我第一次参加这么大的交易会,但是(我想)一定不是最后一次。我们()的宾馆(凯利宾馆)也有黄金海岸水疗会所,所以有一个很好的机会在桑拿放松舒缓)。但是我不太喜欢在那里按摩员没有工资(但是我不太喜欢在那里按摩因为按摩师没有工资),他们只可以拿客户给他们的小费。

星期日我们去新安古城参观。那个小村很有意思,但是大部分古老的大楼已经拆了。很多人跟我们打招呼,叫“hello,hello”。 可能很少外国人去那里看一下,所以他们对外国人特别好奇。晚上我们去了东门步行街,那边有很多商店,很多饭馆。好像年经人喜欢去那里玩,逛街。

今天早上我们决定坐公()车去大鹏所城。 我对历史特别感兴趣,所以喜欢参观古老的地方。如果你住在深圳,或者去那里旅游,我建议你去大鹏所城看一下。在那里你可以看到以前的中国人是怎么样生活。但是那个地方只不是(不只是)个博物馆,现在还有很多家庭住在那里。

你们去过深圳吗?Have you been to Shenzhen?

  • Jack

    Terrific writing! You have improved tremendously!

    Just some minor adjustments to make the writing flow more naturally.

    For example :
    “我刚才跟我得朋友从深圳回来了”
    I get your meaning, but I think you really want to say I “JUST” came home from Shenzhen.
    So, by adding one more letter and it will sound better :
    “我刚刚才跟我朋友从深圳回来了” – See what I did there? “刚刚” is weird to explain but it means “just this moment”. Also you made a mistake – its 的 not 得 (you use the correct word in later sentence) Another thing, you can omit “的” in this particular sentence – 我朋友 is fine, so is 我的朋友, but 我朋友 flows better because its shorter.

    “一般她从芬兰打一个打电话给我” I think “”一般” is probably fine…., but “通常” is a better word to use. Also “打” is an action – in this case “calling”, so you make a phone call,but you use 打 twice which makes it sounds like “making a make phone call” which is incorrect. So the second “打” should not be there. Also, the Chinese classifier for one phone call is “通” – as in “一通电话” so, this sentence shuld be :
    “通常她从芬兰打一通电话给我””

    “這是她第二次來過中國” – 來過 is past tense, as in you are talking about some place you “been to”. But since (I am assuming) she is still in China, you don’t need the “過”, so, “這是她第二次來中國” is better. (This one is funny because the more I read it, the more I think its okay….from a English language perspective – maybe my English part of the brain is taking over! OMG! or probably just my second language interference!)

    “一年前她在广州留过学” – its the “过” monster again! :D I think the “过” (past tense indicator?) should be put at the end. Also 留学 is one word you shouldn’t break it up. So, “一年前她在广州留学过” sounds better.

    “那时候我是跟她认识的” – it sounds weird grammatically – it should be “我是跟她那时候认识的”.

    “在这里留学时她发现东西特别便宜” – the sentence sounds abrupt without a beginning – you need a preposition/adposition word like “那时候” to indicate it was at that time. But since you already use “那时候” in the previous sentence, without having to repeat the same word, you can use “当时”.
    Also, add “这里” in front of the “东西” to indicate “things over HERE” (or it could cause confusion). So the sentence should go like this :
    “当时在这里留学时她发现这里东西特别便宜”.

    “决定开公司” – you need an adverb for this. “所以” (“therefore”) should be put in front of this sentence. – So it should be : “所以决定开公司”.

    Second paragraph : “是我第一次参加这么大的交易会” you are missing a word “这” (as in “this” – a demonstrative). So, it should be “这是我第一次参加这么大的交易会”.

    “但是一定不是最後一次” – sounds like a straight English translation of “and definitely not the last time”. It sounds sooooo English I think it sounds weird in Chinese…(not sure if its my Second language (English) interference again!….:D) I am not sure how you should say this or even need to say it at all.

    “所以有一个很好的机会在桑拿放松” – 放松 normally means loosening as in “loosening the belt” but when you are trying to describe “relax” it normally need an adjective like “轻” as in “放轻松”… so, it should be “所以有一个很好的机会在桑拿放轻松”. Also, I think “放轻松” is probably not quite correct phrase to use…maybe “舒缓” is a better word in this case…

    I will comment more tomrrow, I am just too sleepy at this moment… so if you will excuse me.. GOOD NITE!

    [Reply]

    Sara Reply:

    I should hire you as me teacher Jack! This is way better than any teacher has ever given me, corrections and also explanations why something should be written in a certain way. I’m glas that even when I write without checking (like this post full of errors) my meaning is still understandable and with you help I can learn to correct my mistakes.

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  • 没去过深圳. But I heard Dong Men is where you can get all kinds of stuff and cheaply if you know how to go about it. I agree, it is more interesting to go visit old and more historical places. BTW, many Malaysian small time businessmen go to Shenzen to source for stuff for their shops. Hope you and your friend had a nice time in Shenzen.

    [Reply]

    Sara Reply:

    We went to Dong Men, interesting place where young adults seem to like to hang out. But I do like old places too, I’m an old history student my self! We really had a great time there.

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  • Jack

    I am back! Sorry for the delay.
    “但是我不太喜欢在那里按摩员没有工资..” seems to be shorten and missing couple of words – eg. Because, masseur. So, it should be :
    “但是我不太喜欢在那里按摩因为按摩师没有工资”.

    “好像年经人喜欢去那里好玩,逛街”. Don’t need “好”, so it should be “好像年经人喜欢去那里玩,逛街”.

    And second to last sentence :
    “但是那个地方只不是个博物馆” – it sounds like “that place is ONLY a museum. I think you meant : “that plaace is NOT ONLY a museum”, so it should be “但是那个地方不只是个博物馆”.

    And that’s it! :)

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    Sara Reply:

    I don’t know how to thank you enough Jack :) And yes, that’s what I meant that it’s not only a museum, but a place where people continue living their life like they have been doing for ages. If this kind of place would be found in Finland no one would be allowed to live there.

    [Reply]

  • (大家)晚上好!我刚()跟我(的)朋友从深圳回来()。我们去深圳的目的是参加首饰交易会,()因为我的朋友在芬兰卖银首饰。一般她从芬兰打一个打电话给我,告诉我想买什么,然后我(就)去买。但是这一次她自己(亲自)来广州买东西。这是她第二次来()中国,一年前她在广州留()学。(我是在那时候跟她认识的)。在这里留学时她发现东西特别便宜,(便)决定开公司。

    我们上个星期五晚上到了深圳,星期六参加了深圳国际黄金珠宝玉石展览会。是我第一次参加这么大的交易会,但是(我想)一定不是最后一次。我们(住)的宾馆(凯利宾馆)也有黄金海岸水疗会所,所以有一个很好的机会(洗)桑拿放松。但是我不太喜欢,(因为)在那里按摩员没有工资,他们只可以拿客户给他们的小费。

    星期(天)我们去新安古城参观。那个小村很有意思,但是大部分古老的大楼已经拆了。很多人跟我们打招呼,叫“hello,hello”。 可能很少外国人去那里(),所以他们对外国人特别好奇。晚上我们去了东门步行街,那边有很多商店,很多饭馆。好像年经人喜欢去那里()玩(、)逛街。

    今天早上我们决定坐公(交/共汽)车去大鹏所城。 我对历史特别感兴趣,所以喜欢参观古老的地方。如果你住在深圳,或者(想)去那里旅游,我建议你去大鹏所城看一下。(因为)那个地方(不只是)个博物馆,现在还有很多家庭住在那里(,)在那里你可以看到以前的中国人是怎么样生活。

    [Reply]

    heahe Reply:

    我改了一些,但还有几处不地道的说法没改。

    [Reply]

    Sara Reply:

    谢谢你heahe!我真的没想到有你们花这么多时间来改我的错误。

    我是刚才从电视剧学到这个“亲自”但是还不清楚怎么用。所以那个句子应该写:但是这一次她亲自来广州买东西。对吗?

    然后星期日和星期天不是一样的意思吗?那个是口语一点?

    [Reply]

  • yes it is”但是这一次她亲自来广州买东西“,在汉语中的“你、我、他、她”后面加亲自表示一种强调和肯定,是十分地道的汉语用法。
    “星期天”更常用和口语化,“星期日”是特别书面化的用语,而且很少用的。更口语化的是“礼拜天”,很多时候中国人说“礼拜1,2,3,4,5,6,天”,这是来源于基督教还是天主教做礼拜的翻译,最后成为一种通俗说法,非常口语化的,一般不用在书面交流的。像”星期1,2,3,4,5,6,天“这种说法就是书面口语都可用,用途最广的一种说法。

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    Jack Reply:

    Heahe, I noticed you use “地道”, is that how mainland chinese use it? Isn’t it confusing to use because it can also mean “地下通道”?? In Taiwan, we actually use “道地”. 地道 means “地下通道” in Taiwan.

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    Sara Reply:

    谢谢你!这个“礼拜1,2,。。,天” 我以前没听说过。

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  • “地道”在口语中比“道地”常用些,但也要看地方,整个大陆大部分地方“地道”更常用。地道本意是地下通道,但在口语中,特别在某些场合是指:特别真,特别本地化的意思,暗指这个地方上的道道,这有一种入乡随俗的意思,英语里面的 authentically,dialectally。就是比如一个四川人到广东去如果表达”谈恋爱“这个词,粤语一般是”拖拍/拍拖?“,如果四川人不入乡随俗用广东当地的词”拖拍/拍拖”的话,就表明说的不地道/道地。

    还要注意在大陆不同地方这个词意思有点差别的。
    如四川人中如果说:“你很不地道”,表明你不够朋友,不厚道的意思。

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